Out of order


What happened..? I don’t get it. Just came back from my 2 free weeks and I don’t know myself anymore. Once outraged and close to beating someone or something up, then sunk in melancholy, then uplifting myself with inspiring proverbs and a shining, optimistic view on life. I complain about my non-ability to focus on special things, to get along with matters, to really move something, to create something valuable. On the other hand, I am just too convinced of my higher intelligence level, I put myself unconsciously above the society around, laughing at them for their tries to be more emotional, meaningful, colourful, special. – Thinking – “well, these factors they haven’t neither inherited nor ever came to know what it is – but I know, we do. My people do and so do I. ” Putting myself deliberately aside, at each moment possible.

And yet I don’t like this feeling to be separated, to be singled out. Uncomfortable and not decent.

I stopped learning, religious studies do not really interest and I have no patience to read an article to its end. Dozens of mails and online courses wait for me but I just miss them again and again and let them wait for any right moment whcih I silently hope not to arrive now.

It’s basically the same with all studies. School or university as well. University, since there were some local problems out there and so I do not plan returning to it again; school – since education here is dumb, more than anything I have ever seen on earth apart from multimedial consummation and shopping. Education here and the light values and the way how we are taught upon to view things, how to behave, how to think and analyze. Light version of living. Light version of everything but with a notorious pressure on us to put ourselves under stressful conditions so that our simple learning would look demanding and full of effort. That’s how we lose time, energy, health. On nothing. I doubt I will ever need all the repetitions of information I get served now for the 5th or 6th time in two years about history, language or analysis.

I yell and kick things around, while actually being quiet inside but something pushes me to freak out in some ways. A silent urge to behave against conventions of this society which I think to be numb. And the conventions silly. And the mentality simply not developed enough at some point. Depriving itself of vitality, pluralism, life, freedom in a way. Yeah, that’s what I think, coming now from intensive weeks of Middle East to this cold old weary country.

I yell at my mother because I lose my patience from time to time. I yell at the computer with its new internet access which is too slow. I yell when no one is listening, I become commanding and offending sometimes when I feel that I’ve had enough of depriving behaviour towards me or was too much ignored or not considered or simply when there’s an obstacle around. Because, I say, I feel I’ve had enough of swallowing it and not responding. I remind myself of a worn out officer with a crack in his voice who feels that he’s slowly losing the commando. Therefore I feel the need to increase force and double strength at points where it’s not really needed.

I simply don’t know what’s going on and I feel some urge for anger, for an outbreak, annoyed yed also annoyed by this feeling. Only behaving myself when in public which appreciates me.

Strange. Where are now all my attempts to be a well-tempered, relaxed person with a stable mind and a light heart, enjoying the world? Well, I do enjoy it, yet always falling back in obsession somehow.

Change of climate, I guess. Thanks G-d I haven’t caught the flu yet.



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