Quick note

Sometimes I feel my dreams overwhelming me and enlarging my heart and soul, making me feel greater than life. Me and all my goals I strive for to make true.

And then a moment comes, enough to wipe my dreams away. In a minute. With a tune of some emotional song and some pictures fitting to it. And when I reminisce and realise – my G-d, what was I actually dreaming about?

And ideals vanish, ideas float away, every determination and logic is torn apart and makes these images of hope and wish and desire look so cold and ridiculous, simply too far away and too senseless to be reached.

And there had been a time when I was honestly thinking I might get to that, too.
My mother quoted someone saying “Where there is desire, there are a thousand paths to it, where there is resentment, there are a thousand reasons for it.”

Oh, where to find that boundless desire for all my dreams!…
Oh how to make those dreams and their objects of dreaming not to suffer from my lack of hope sometimes! Not to suffer from time passing by…



Open Letter


Dear addressee.

These lines are directed to you.

The intention of these lines, too.

They do not oblige you to read them, but they oblige you to know of their existence.

They oblige you to be aware of the fact that certain thoughts are spent on your behalf, and certain questions are asked.

— Because I do not understand.

Again you made a cut. A cut which slightly reminds me of this holiday from life of yours, several years ago. The first cut. The difference between them is that your first decision to depart was filled with something vibrant. I could feel it. Even though having a little of a desperately resolute aura. You remember perhaps how I struggled to accept it and what various ways I had to misinterprete your decision.

And now. You didn’t come back from your holiday untouched. Rather disordered. This could be felt in any sense. You broke your sabbatical several times and still haven’t achieved any inner peace. I don’t know in how far you have tried it.

And here we are. And the difference between then and now is that this cut through our peculiar bonds was made in a very lethargic way. It seems so to me.

— And I don’t know how to understand.

You know. We spoke a lot about what friendship should be like. For you. For me. I thought it was a dialog.

You know, no one has ever taught me how to make and uphold friendships and how to take care of friends.

I had to realise on my own what friendships mean. And to feel on my own how certain people take away my heart and fill it and become a part of it. I had to figure out whether this was the real friendship, or something beyond, or something below. Mating of souls or just pure attraction.

During the years, we both knew that we became a part of each other. I doubt I could imagine the last years without you. I doubt you could do the same, for an instance.

— And I don’t manage to understand.

There is a country which unites our thoughts. By your name, and by your deeds, you made me take it for granted that you were this country, and it was  you. For an instance. People form imaginations, form images, form ideas. I’ve never set a foot on the land which from time to time seems to be so close to me, but it has become very vivid within me, through the assistance of your magic hand. Or message. Or voice.

— And I try but don’t understand.

You’ve read numerous things. And I’ve read much, too.

When dreams are shared, a whole new world is opened. Even if one deprives you of your last possession, you will have your dreams to rebuild the missing, I once read.

You had the word. The word which is the beginning and the bauplan of all.

You’ve had the word and I’ve got to catch it, too. You’ve known of the might and I opened the eyes and saw. And then we both had it.

Did we let it go?

— And I admit that I refuse to understand.

I have a brother. He walked away from me on silent shoes and became invisible. By becoming invisible, his presence became  indetectable. Yet he didn’t ? cosider it that the lack of his presence could be felt more than his presence would have been.

— And I admit that I fail to refuse and fail to understand.

Once this brother will come back ( and he certainly will for there is no sense in staying away), I doubt anyone will dare asking him why he did so.

Relationships, this I learned the last days, often stagnate when expectations of the involved become too bound on habits and offer no free space for suprises. For renewals or simply for other directions.

— I know I should feel the need to understand.

If you want me to let you go, you’ve already went. “Off you go…”

In any case, we both go on living one within the other. That’s the case with long-time friends. It’s pretty normal so.

All in all, I hope you will keep in mind the following lines:

— I may understand or pretend to do or not to do at all.

I wish you luck.

— Yet I refuse to say farewell.