Colours of the landscape


Our realities are made by our own hands.

Every day this is being proved to me in an incredibly powerful way.

I try to hold on. Focus my eyes on an object. Try not to think at all. But just as Rousseau commented, “The man does not love to think. Once started, he can’t stop though”:  I literally feel my thoughts wander nonstop through my body . It’s usual, it’s not something new. What startles me is when I realise it’s not the sort of thoughts which bound me to the present moment. It’s solely internal. I reflect on things said and done, on what they cause, on what I’ve seen today and what I am planning to see; whether it is raining outside and when it will begin to rain; where’s my mum, what is she doing?, and finally, when did I see this place the last time before now.

You see – not a single thought of what I’m doing now. I’ve focused my eyes on something, but I don’t even care. If you could scan my mind from outside, you wouldn’t be able to fix it at a certain point. It wanders from past to future. From empirical impressions to subjective and fictional expectations.

Where is the real world here?…

I leave it be.

When trying to catch my concentration and to force it to stand still instead of wandering around, I experience a feeling of growing emptiness as I don’t know what to think of the present moment. How to relate to the fact that I stand here and look at  a wall or a chair. There can’t a full second be felt in which my mind isn’t trying to develop the idea of presence. No pause from reflection and digestion can be taken on its own.

So I leave it be. G-d is grand…

Reality is man-made. By me  and for my own, even if I come to an agreement with my environment on certain abstract and physical matters so that we can have a sort of a common basis. It sounds to general, but here an example: my mood.

I sit on a chair in the library, just woken up after having fallen asleep a while ago. My window view are tops of roofs, a grey sky and black trees standing still next to the houses. I feel weakly, turn some music on and put my earphones into my ears. Immediately, I’m droven away by the rhythm, the melody and the singer’s voice. I’m no longer perceiving the outside in its silent, neutral way. The song is melancholic and slow, lifts me high spiritually but still leaves space for traces of sadness. So I watch houses and think of those I’ve been in throughout my life; of how I want to change my everyday; of how difficult it is going to be for me to get up from this chair and continue spending my day in hurry and stress instead of watching and learning life silently.

Yet I know and I, in my momentual, intentional despair, hope for the next song to follow so that I can gain strength and optimism and get up from the chair and trust in myself that life will go on. I’m torn between proceeding to the next song or to remain with the quiet and sad one to enjoy my dreams.

Nothing in the world indicates though, that houses may be a reason for melancholy and the grey sky for stress. It’s still the same view from the window.

… And minutes later I’m on my way, hurrying down the roads, planning the next steps on my daily agenda. Forgotten the houses, the trees and the sadness.

So I leave it open, leave it be. There are many waves in the sea.

Too often during the day it’s being offered to us  to detract ourselves from reality. Be those technical devices, books, films, music. At this point here I don’t care whether it’s for the good or for the bad. It’s a noteworthy fact, though: While detracting from the collective world, I automatically begin filling my own one.

– And that’s what I eventually exist for, isn’t it? The Talmud had known this long before me as its Sages stated that “One who saves a human being, saves a whole world”.

I live by the saying that in order to enjoy this world to the fullest, I have to have the desire to understand how it works. The absence of an omnipresent realty is a breathtaking observation I’ve been doing now for a couple of days. It shows me, on the one hand, how short-lived words and images are; it’s the deeds which contribute to our collective world which should have more importance and value.

And still, if we remind ourselves of the magic statement of Antoine de Saint-Éxupery, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye” and even take in account scientific remarks on physics, the answer would be all the same:

It’s solely your mind which adds or takes away the colours of a landscape.



Isolation or Computer as best friend


Let’s face it – since three weeks there’s a sad hole in my home. A virtual hole, to say it literally. My computer lacks any access to the web, due to complications in relationships with different companies…means, they have a problem with us and therefore we now have a problem with them. And I can try to estimate how long those problems will remain unsolved and I guess, it won’t be less than another lonely three weeks.

Well, my current diaspora residence is a multimedial, very developed city and on each second corner you may find an internet cafe or a wonderful library where you may sit unwatched for a couple of hours and save some money. For sure, it has no accomodation like webcam or microphone or even a portable device entry as one can find it at a cafe, but sometimes it just does well to my wallet not to be emptied to the bones every day.

Normally I wouldn’t be so devastated at a lost of a technical opportunity, I mean, so what, some years ago I didn’t even know what the worldwide web was about. The grave consequences of my loss made themselves be felt about one or even two weeks after and then – and now – I began to understand my misery.

I succumb more and more to a feeling of isolation. Once during the time of holidays, New Year, Day of Judgement, I was always busy with something and had people here and there around me. I still have, basically. But those are the wrong ones.

Two of my few best friends in this town left to their parents for about a month. Others do not have time and mostly I don’t have either. At school, I either try to work hard – or there is basically no one to speak with. Although we cannot complain about a lack of students in our class or school.

Yet this is no alternative for me. Perhaps it’s not only my own feeling inside, most likely one can even read it on my forehead that I am very far away from the world those guys inhabit and experience every day. It’s not that I have different points of view on many things in our everyday life than they have. I AM different. For about 10 years I know it, and my parents know it, and they know it. We know and we live with it, sometimes just being able to get by, the last time it seemed very successfully because my classmates and the other young people around have their domain and I really enjoy mine which is all over the world (just not in Germany) with its central office in Israel.

And now, the connection seems somewhat cut.

I miss my sessions with older and younger friends at Skype, sometimes late into the night. It has a harmful effect on my health, I suggest, yet my soul rejoices each time. Some users at my Messenger account who I usually talk with; my Facebook account seems rather abandoned…no pictures to view, no opinions to share, my memories are much too connected with other people who were with me on journeys or simple discussed my favourite music or taught me things here and there.
They are on the web. And I join it, occasionally, for one hour or two, grasping for time and breath and sometimes not even fulfilling the half of my to-do-list online.  Conversations minimize. And I am forced to pay more attention to all sorts of different thoughts of mine, to focus on the world around me which I do not really like if I have to rely on it. There is nothing really new or inspiring to find around me, in school, in the time between tramway, railroad and bed. It’s not that life became boring, this is not the right term.

But in the words of a figure from “American Beauty”, a very symbolic movie to my crisis: “I have lost something. It wasn’t always like this. How could I become so… sedated..” (or similiar).  Sedated, or resignated, perhaps, and isolated, definitely. I know I need some new source of inspiration and energy so that my eyes can shine again and my brain will be able to produce bright, optimistic and precisely focused thoughts and expressions I had before and not the resigned, humourless, indifferent statements I make throughout the day.

Well…in each thing there is a ray of light to be found…I became more silent and concentrated. As it says in Hebrew… “kol ‘akava le tova”, each pause, each delay is for the best”.

Let’s see how it will develop.

Anyways, in two weeks with G-d’s help…I will be whenever I should be. And there we will talk of energy again, true energy, I hope.

Patience and hope are the keywords of life.