b”h
Let’s face it – since three weeks there’s a sad hole in my home. A virtual hole, to say it literally. My computer lacks any access to the web, due to complications in relationships with different companies…means, they have a problem with us and therefore we now have a problem with them. And I can try to estimate how long those problems will remain unsolved and I guess, it won’t be less than another lonely three weeks.
Well, my current diaspora residence is a multimedial, very developed city and on each second corner you may find an internet cafe or a wonderful library where you may sit unwatched for a couple of hours and save some money. For sure, it has no accomodation like webcam or microphone or even a portable device entry as one can find it at a cafe, but sometimes it just does well to my wallet not to be emptied to the bones every day.
Normally I wouldn’t be so devastated at a lost of a technical opportunity, I mean, so what, some years ago I didn’t even know what the worldwide web was about. The grave consequences of my loss made themselves be felt about one or even two weeks after and then – and now – I began to understand my misery.
I succumb more and more to a feeling of isolation. Once during the time of holidays, New Year, Day of Judgement, I was always busy with something and had people here and there around me. I still have, basically. But those are the wrong ones.
Two of my few best friends in this town left to their parents for about a month. Others do not have time and mostly I don’t have either. At school, I either try to work hard – or there is basically no one to speak with. Although we cannot complain about a lack of students in our class or school.
Yet this is no alternative for me. Perhaps it’s not only my own feeling inside, most likely one can even read it on my forehead that I am very far away from the world those guys inhabit and experience every day. It’s not that I have different points of view on many things in our everyday life than they have. I AM different. For about 10 years I know it, and my parents know it, and they know it. We know and we live with it, sometimes just being able to get by, the last time it seemed very successfully because my classmates and the other young people around have their domain and I really enjoy mine which is all over the world (just not in Germany) with its central office in Israel.
And now, the connection seems somewhat cut.
I miss my sessions with older and younger friends at Skype, sometimes late into the night. It has a harmful effect on my health, I suggest, yet my soul rejoices each time. Some users at my Messenger account who I usually talk with; my Facebook account seems rather abandoned…no pictures to view, no opinions to share, my memories are much too connected with other people who were with me on journeys or simple discussed my favourite music or taught me things here and there.
They are on the web. And I join it, occasionally, for one hour or two, grasping for time and breath and sometimes not even fulfilling the half of my to-do-list online. Conversations minimize. And I am forced to pay more attention to all sorts of different thoughts of mine, to focus on the world around me which I do not really like if I have to rely on it. There is nothing really new or inspiring to find around me, in school, in the time between tramway, railroad and bed. It’s not that life became boring, this is not the right term.
But in the words of a figure from “American Beauty”, a very symbolic movie to my crisis: “I have lost something. It wasn’t always like this. How could I become so… sedated..” (or similiar). Sedated, or resignated, perhaps, and isolated, definitely. I know I need some new source of inspiration and energy so that my eyes can shine again and my brain will be able to produce bright, optimistic and precisely focused thoughts and expressions I had before and not the resigned, humourless, indifferent statements I make throughout the day.
Well…in each thing there is a ray of light to be found…I became more silent and concentrated. As it says in Hebrew… “kol ‘akava le tova”, each pause, each delay is for the best”.
Let’s see how it will develop.
Anyways, in two weeks with G-d’s help…I will be whenever I should be. And there we will talk of energy again, true energy, I hope.
Patience and hope are the keywords of life.
—isralike
Is Real Reflection 